try defying gravity

And despite everything, this was not a bad day.

There were bad moments, sure.  My meeting this afternoon did not go well (by my standards).  I feel I did not come off as professional, or intelligent, or most of all worthy in front of someone I respect.  But that's over, and I can't change it.  I can, however, try to do better next time.  I'm not very good at this whole "life" thing yet, but I'm working on it.

I am not friends with people with whom I have professional relationships.  Telling these people personal things feels wrong to me on a very deep level.  It is my job to appear content and in-control and capable in front of them.  

It used to take me a very long time to be vulnerable in front of someone.  Recently, I've been trying to be more...  authentic... with people.  I thought that meant showing what I'm feeling.  I'm reconsidering that.  The person I am-- really am-- does not trust easily enough to show those things.  If you want to see me vulnerable, you're going to have to earn that.  Because, as a rule, I'm not vulnerable, and I'm not naiive, and I don't need your approval or your shoulder or your smile.  I have plans and goals and strength.  Those are mine, and no one can take them away from me.  So I can have a horrendous meeting with a prof and then still walk outside and feel the chill in the air and breathe it in and be centered and calm and content.  

I love those moments.  I love that feeling.  Life is so so beautiful.  It's kind of arrogant to believe that I could change something like that with one bad meeting.  Life's still beautiful.  I don't think anyone can mess up badly enough to truly break *that*, at least, not forever.  Maybe it's because I haven't experienced anything truly bad yet...  Or maybe it's because there's always, eventually, going to be another morning where frost is barely clinging to the window and the air hangs heavy and cool and you wrap your hand around a warm cup of coffee and drop your keys on the sidewalk-- and when you reach to pick them up your hand touches gritty pavement and damp leaves along with cold-key-metal.

No one's strong enough to break a moment like that.  So you know what?  Go ahead.  Choose her.  It's autumn, and I'm happy.

sit down, it's just a talk...
where did i go wrong?  i lost a friend
somewhere along in the bitterness and
i would have stayed up with you all night 

I watched Grey's Anatomy tonight with Alysha, Emily, and Erin.  It was so much fun.  We had wine and talked.  I got to play with a cat, and Alysha's roommates asked to keep me (because I liked Buffy and Angel and knew who Emmett was.)  So, really--- not a bad day at all.

suppose all the lions get up and go
if i could tell you, i would let you know.

I take my G driver's test on Monday. I know I can do it--I'm a good driver-- but it is possible to be a good driver and still fail the test, so I'm a little nervous. I'll practice more this weekend. There are some things I still don't have completely down. My parallel parking needs work; I haven't parallel parked since I took my G2 test over two years ago. That's kind of frightening. And... even if I do fail the first time, I can take it again. It won't be the end of the world.

I handed in my directed studies paper on Monday. I'm going to drop by my prof's office tomorrow to ask if he's had a chance to look at it, I think.

I have selected courses for fall. These may change slightly, but as of now I'm taking:

-A third year English course in Linguistics
-A fourth year Biology: Ecology and Evolution
-Two units of my psychology thesis
-A third year psych elective (Introduction to Clinical Psych)

I may add a sixth class. I'm still debating. A lot of things I want to take conflict with other courses, so that's a problem. I might see if my academic advisor would let me take another Directed Studies course-- a lit review, this time. Of course, there's a real possibility that a sixth course (especially a directed studies, which are INSANE in terms of workload) might actually kill me. Especially since-- well, things I'll talk about later, once they become official. As of now they're kind of just rumours.

I'm going home this weekend-- I'll get to visit Sarah and take my driver's test. I'm not quite sure yet when I'm heading home. It might be right after work tomorrow.

I had a presentation for a lab meeting this morning. Two professors, eight graduate students, and five undergraduates were there. It was quite frightening. I was told (repeatedly and by various people) that I did a good job, though. I'm going to interpret those as everyone thinking "she looked scared; let's reassure her!" But I'm very glad it's over. Now I just have a twelve-page paper (assigned today) to write for Thursday.

Have I mentioned I'm not even in school this term?

I had a great weekend. We made my mommy feel special, which was the whole idea. We cleaned her car and bought her flowers and a necklace. I love my family. Laurie and I also filled out a census. It was long, but very exciting. Daniel and I have decided to work for Statistics Canada when we grow up. Recording information makes us happy.

My sister and I went to visit Sarah. She's still at home, and doing pretty well. She lied to me a couple weeks ago-- the cold/cough she had was actually pneumonia. I've told her no more lying about things, not even to save me from worrying. She's better now though. I should call her tonight.

This will be a good day. Time to write a paper outline. Twelve pages in three days is kind of a lot, especially when I'm working as well. But it's manageable.

Life is still beautiful. So many things to look forward to... Even writing this paper will be kind of fun. And Grey's Anatomy's on tonight. And even though I barely watched Survivor this year, the person I liked best won. And I'm catching up with friends I haven't seen in awhile, and I'm making money, and Sarah's okay.

Last term was awful. But it taught me things. Things about who I am, and what I need, and what I'm worth. Strength isn't about keeping things together. It's about remembering to breathe while you watch them fall apart.