try defying gravity

So it's been kind of a weirdly emotional day for me today, probably because of a long talk with my Dad and then going to see Les Miserables (I cried through 70% of the movie, and fell totally in love with Hugh Jackman. You know-- the usual).

Then tonight I watched the Babbler Slideshow. <3. Oh my god, guys, I miss you all so much. Whatever else goes down, even after some huge conflicts and disagreements, you guys have been there for me forever and that means everything. And we've seen each other grow up-- Seriously, the pictures from BP03/04? We were so young it's ridiculous-- and I kind of want to thank you all for putting up with me when I was stupidly young and shy and awkward. I love you all like crazy and I cannot wait to see you again. I also really want to re-live Chicago BP (all of it, from drinks at Serena's to getting lost on the way to White Castle), even if it does mean doing 24 hours on a bus again.

Sometimes I'll go awhile without needing any of you or talking to many of you, but I am always glad that you're here for me and vice-versa. <3

This is long, but it's important and I ask that you please all read it. It's one of the first public entries I've made on LJ in years, and it's public for a reason. I stand behind these words.

It's about time I wrote this. If I weren't such a coward, so worried about being disliked, I would have done this a long time ago. But I'm doing it now, for so many reasons.

I'm writing this because I'm going to Sam and Andrea's wedding next summer. I met Sam in undergrad. She and I learned to make sushi together, with only somewhat disastrous results. I hugged her and told her it would be okay when her first girlfriend broke up with her. She kissed me once (all tongue, because she's Sam) in a hotel room in Chicago. And when she got together with Andrea and moved away, I kept one of their house plants. They are so freaking sweet together, and I am writing this because I cannot wait for their wedding and I *hate* that there are people who think their love is wrong.

I am writing this for Marc, who is one of the bravest men I have ever met and who always called me 'Honey' or 'Sweetheart' when we saw each other in the hallways at school. His smile consistently made my day. I met Marc in undergrad at Waterloo, too, but I knew *of* him before that. When Marc was in Grade 12, he (like me) went to a publicly funded Catholic school in Ontario. He wanted to bring his significant other to prom. His school said no, because his significant other was male. Marc went to court. His school wanted to cancel prom over the issue, but the court ruled that they were not allowed to cancel prom and that students must be permitted to bring dates of either gender. Marc has put up with a hell of a lot in his life, but he always comes up smiling. I'm writing this because I believe that what he went through in Grade 12 should NEVER have happened. It was unfair, hateful, and wrong, and "freedom of religion" does not give anyone the right to be hateful or to discriminate.

I'm writing this for my friend Ashley, who's been hurt by so many people (including myself) over so many years. This is the hardest paragraph for me to write, and I'm sorry if I don't do this justice. Sometimes words are just hard. But basically, Ash is amazing. She worked in a school for a few years and went to huge lengths to support her kids. She's fought injustice, over and over, in ways that I can only hope to do someday. And she's repeatedly been told, over and over, by friends and family and media and government, through their words and actions and non-actions, that *who she is* is wrong. And that's terrible and hurtful and infuriating, and I am not going to stand for it anymore.

I'm writing this for the thousands of people who have been hurt, bullied, assaulted, tormented, abused, and murdered for being nothing other than who they are.

I'm writing this for me. Hi. I'm Steph. I slept with a woman once. She was fun and funny and confident. She has beautiful hair and the cutest, tiniest hands. I liked it a lot, and I would do it again. I have kissed almost as many women as men-- For the most part, for no reason other than because I wanted to. I am not ashamed of doing these things. I have never been ashamed of doing these things, because I have never believed that they were wrong. But I have, frequently, been made ashamed of admitting to these things.

I have been lucky, because I date men and have had boyfriends and people only see what they want to see. I have been far too lax about this. I am far too willing to let people see what they want because it makes my life easier. Other people don't have that option, or are brave enough not to take that option, and they are hurt every day in stupid, frustrating, indescribable ways.

So here is what I am saying: If you think that loving men, or loving women, or loving both, is wrong or is a sin or means that someone is in any way worth LESS than someone else... I cannot support you anymore. If you think sleeping with other honest, consenting adults under certain circumstances but not others is a sin, I cannot support you anymore. If you think that being born in a body that you don't identify with is wrong or a sin, I cannot support you anymore. You're hurting people I love deeply. You're contributing to a society where some people have rights that others don't. You're contributing to a society where children are being made to feel so wrong and worthless that they are DYING. I can't be complicit in that anymore.

I won't.

This has been one of the busiest school weeks yet. Lots of 12-hour days, trying to finish up an assessment. Joys.

Anyway, so I'm headed to a conference in St. Louis from Thursday (November 18th) to Sunday (November 21st). Two questions:

1) Anyone going to be there? (Pretty sure this one's a long shot). :)

2) Katie or anyone who was at BP03-- If I have a few spare hours over the weekend, is there anything touristy or fun I should check out?

I am going to try to to update semi-regularly, so let's see how this goes. I want to do the 'update every day' meme that Jessie and Cer and Kelly are doing, but that won't happen at least until practicum's over on August 26th, so we'll see if I still remember at that point.

Speaking of which... Practicum is OVER on August 26th! Two more weeks! I am so excited to get back to my regular life and my friends and no longer hate the sheer volume of people I have to see on a daily basis. I will never ever ever be a city girl, apparently. Aside from hating Toronto, though, practicum is actually going pretty well. These last two weeks are going to be intense and nerve-wracking (lots of client contact hours as I try to finish up three assessments), but hopefully I'll manage okay.

This weekend I went to a wedding. Erin's one of my very good friends and we lived together for the last year of our undergrad and the first year of grad school... She is absolutely adorable and she and her husband (Mark) are ridiculously well-suited, and I am all kinds of happy. I cried like four times during the wedding and speeches (and the father-daughter dance). And our table got singled out to sing some Taylor Swift during the Maid of Honour's speech, which was amazing.

Okay, off for a run now that it's cooled down a bit. I'm training for a 10k in October, and while I know I can do the distance I'm still abysmally slow. Gonna go do some intervals to try to help with that.

Did I mention that practicum is over in two more weeks?! :D

It's finally the weekend, so I have some time to update. 

First, the big news:  I ran 10 km (6.2 miles) without stopping for the first time EVER yesterday.  It took 71 minutes, which isn't a terrible time for a female first-timer.  :D  And to think that just eleven weeks ago I was struggling to run 5 minutes straight without walking!

I'm going to keep training about three times a week, with some interval training to improve my speed.  My first official 10 km race is scheduled for mid-October, and I'd like to finish it in under 70 minutes.  Under 60 minutes would be absolutely insanely awesome, but that's mostly a pipe-dream-- It would mean shaving a full minute off of my pace on each kilometre, which isn't exactly realistic.  So as long as I keep a fairly consistent three runs a week from now to the race, FINISH the race without walking, and avoid injury, I'll be pretty happy. 

Other news...  Hm.  Life's been pretty boring for the last week or two, which is nice-- I'm working on a paper for school and getting a fair bit done, and I've been reading a lot. 

Oh, and for those of you wondering about boy-drama, the guy I had a date with last week left on a 11-day yoga retreat shortly after our coffee meet, and so we haven't managed a second date yet at all.  He should be back sometime this weekend, I think, in which case we're going to see a movie together. 

OMG, guys, I am leaving for Europe in a matter of hours IDEK.

Remind me never to travel again-- What if I die there and they NEVER FIND THE BODY?!

Seriously!  I am leaving all my THINGS and 98% of my friends and I won't be back for almost two weeks!

Okay.  Breathing.  Freak-out done.  OMG I hate travelling until I'm actually doing it...  This will be so much better once I actually leave.

Can my DC-area friends check in if they're okay, please?  I don't even know if any of you use public transit regularly, but please say hi so I know you're safe.  <3

Thanks to Serena and Tori for the subject line.

In the next few days (by early next week, really), I need to decide whether to do my Ph.D. at Waterloo (which is home and comfortable but will present few new challenges and, while it will get me to where I want to go, will not be *fantastic* for my career) versus moving to Vancouver and getting it at UBC, which is new and scary and very very far away from everyone I love (but where I could learn oodles of new things and be part of a very vibrant, productive lab).

I don't know how I'm supposed to choose. Everyone's very supportive.  My family says I should do what I want (but I don't want to be alone in Vancouver if my Dad gets sick again).  My friends say I should take the best opportunity (but I want to stay with them).  I do want these new things, too, I'm just.  Not sure.

I don't know how to decide.

My life is all interviews, all the time.  Phone interview with a prof from Queen's tomorrow; in-person interview at Waterloo Monday; then, a flight to Northwestern on...  Thursday, I think?  I should maybe buy a ticket for the airport shuttle.  (Yes, I have a plane ticket.)  I will probably hear from York and Ryerson in the next week or two, as well.

It's kind of fantastic.  It seems likely that someone will let me be a clinical psychologist when I grow up.

Not knowing where I'm going to be next year is strange.  2009 will be a balancing act, I think.

Love isn't good enough of a reason for me to stay.  It's not.  It's not.

It has been very, very cold out lately.  We're talking -20 degrees Celsius many, if not most, days.  Brr.  I'm taking a lot of scalding showers.  I'll make it up to David Suzuki in the spring.  I feel especially bad because I FINALLY got around to watching 'An Inconvenient Truth' this week.  Reminders.

It's been a really, really long time since I updated.  I spent three weeks at home without Internet at the end of December, which was kind of fantastic (I got to spend lots and lots of time with the parents), but it was also *long*.  It was a relief to get back here, to my work and my routine and familiarity.

I went snowboarding over Christmas.  I actually got sort of good at it, but my tailbone hated me for two weeks afterward.  Gah.  So much falling.

I got one of the Moosewood cookbooks for Christmas, and my New Year's Resolution was to make at least one thing I've never made before every week.  So far it's going really well--  Roasted veggies over pasta, baked tofu, and spinach-feta risotto.  All were delicious.  <3  The risotto was tonight, and I have enough packed up in individual tupperware containers in the fridge for lunch for a few days. 

I applied again for clinical programs.  Nine schools.  I'm hoping for four interviews and two acceptances, but to be honest I'd be pretty happy with anything that ends in at least one acceptance.  I didn't apply anywhere that I wouldn't go.  One of the schools I applied to is the palce where I'm currently working on my Master's, and my current advisor got a call last week from one of the clinical people, asking about me.  My advisor thinks I'll get an interview.  I am not so sure.  I'm not counting on anything.  I've failed too many times at this to be anything but cynical.  But this-- This is the last time.  If this doesn't work out, I walk away. 

I hope it works out, because I've never been good at walking away.

Americans:  How awesome is your new president?  :D  So awesome.  I had a really good conversation with my Dad yesterday, actually, about Obama, and how he inspires confidence, and how we love that there's *hope* back in the world again.  Now we just need someone like that in Canada.  I actually have surprisingly high hopes for Ignatieff, if only because the alternatives are all so dismal and at least I trust that he's *smart*.

Tonight's plan includes reading about K.C., a Canadian man with acquired brain injury that resulted in memory loss and taught us things about encoding and retrieval processes!  Yeah, you all wish you were me.  It's cool.